Alrighty Then
by Dragontbone
Summary: Harry wakes up from being shoved through the veil back before his first year. Alrighty then… let's play.. Over powered Harry. Snarky Harry. Rated M mostly for language, debauchery, reference to sex, drugs, and probably something else I've forgotten about. Disclaimers in first chapter only. Don't like it, don't care.
1. What the?

Alrighty then…

Disclaimer: I will say all of these things once and only once. I do not own anything associated with J.K.'s Harry Potter Universe. I am glad she lets us use it for our own amusement. I do not get money from any of this. Any other likenesses or anything like that is not owned by me either. Anything I bring in I don't own.

This is going to be rated "M" due to language and violence. And just in case I screw something up, my butt is covered.

If y'all see similarities between mine and someone else's story, I do like to pull some stuff from others, and will try to credit them whenever I can. Or remember to.

This is my first fanfiction, so hate it, or love it, I don't care. I'm just doing this because why not. I've read so many different fanfics it's not really funny. I figured I'd give it a try.

Plot: Harry wakes up from being shoved through the veil back before his first year. Alrighty then… let's play.. Over powered Harry. Snarky Harry.

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"Harry James Potter, you have been sentenced to death by the veil for leading a vigilante organization and murder of many prominent members of our society. You also plead guilty to the attempted murder of our Lord and Savior, Lord Voldemort. What say you?" The executioner said.

"Fuck off you piece of Cornish Pixie shit. Your going to die alone and I'll wait for you in Hell." Shouted Harry.

The burly executioner smirked. "Then by the laws set by our Lord, you will die." He shoved Harry into the Veil of Death and went on his merry way.

###

 **BOOM!**

"Where is the cannon?" Dudley Dursley asked dumbly.

 **BOOM!**

Harry just looks around stupidly. 'The bloody fuck is going on?' as Dudley scrambles off of the couch and as far away from the door as fast as his fat ass could move. Vernon and Petunia rush in while Vernon carries a rifle.

 **BOOM! CRUNCH!**

The door breaks down and a familiar giant form is outlined by a flash of lightning. Harry gapes in shock. 'How the fuck did this happen?' Harry thought.

The massive figure Harry now recognizes as Hagrid, puts an umbrella back in his jacket.

"Sorry 'bout that" Hagrid says as he puts the door back in its frame and completely ignoring the fat oaf holding a long metal tube.

As he turns around Vernon says " I demand you leave at once, you are breaking and entering!" Hagrid just rolls his eyes and storms to him. " Dry up Dursley you great prune" he says as he grabs the end of the rifle, somehow bends the barrel up to the ceiling with only one hand, and blinks right before the gun magically goes off and blows a hole in the ceiling. Harry casually wondered where the hell Vernon got a gun, knowing that they were pretty hard to get and was basically illegal for anyone to have without a permit which he knew Vernon didn't have. Hagrid walks towards Dudley and said "Boy, I haven't seen him since he was a baby, Harry, but you're a bit more far along than I would have expected. Particularly since you were in the middle" as he pats his belly.

"I'm- I'm not Harry" Stutters Dudley. Harry comes out of his shock and shouts "what the fuck?" Hagrid gives him a disappointed stare. "I take it your Harry then?" Harry takes one last look around and sees a book and promptly grabbed it and slammed his forehead into it knocking himself out.

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A/n: I hope Y'all are at least somewhat interested in this. I plan on Harry having fun during this. It'll hopefully be a humor filled story. We will see. I also really need a Beta to review my work. I think I'm ok when it comes to the English language, but regardless of growing up with it, I'm terrible with it. So until I find someone, all of the mistakes are mine.


	2. Ditching Hagrid and Gringotts

Chapter

Harry groaned in pain as he woke to the sound of a loud clicking noise. "Shut up" he moans in pain. "So fucking hungover.." The clicking continues and his eyes fly open in annoyance and slight anger. They quickly widen to surprise as he wakes up in the run down shack that he was in while the Dersleys had tried to outrun magic before his first yea…errr now… 'welp, that wasn't a dream then. Alrighty then.' He thinks to himself.

He returns to himself when Hagrid groans due to the continued clicking. Harry looks at the window and sees a owl carrying the Daily Prophet. Harry walks over and opens the window and lets it in. The annoyed owl pecks his cheek ("ouch, stupid bird") and holds its leg out for payment for its burden in its mouth. Harry asks Hagrid "Hey Hagrid, where is your money for the Prophet?" "In the top pocket of me jacket, give him a couple nuts, the bronze ones." Hagrid replies.

Harry digs through this jacket and finds an assortment of weird stuff. A hammer, some screws but no nails, nail polish, a pack of sausages, a skillet, some herbs, a Couple Gringotts keys(he took them both), some grass seed, a monocle, an owl, a cat, an book on basic monst…errr basic creatures, and some lipstick. 'Huh, who knew Hagrid was a closet bear?' Harry thought. He eventually found the money and put it in the pouch the bird had and it flew away cuffing him in the head.

Harry turns around to the sound and smell of sausages frying merrily in a skillet. He sits in silence thinking of what has happened the past week. Just 2 days ago he was in the same courtroom that he had been tried in in his 5th year for murder and other charges. He, of course, lost the case and was sentenced to death via the Veil. That the court case lasted all of 2 minuets was no surprise to anyone. They had tossed him back into his cell and left him there for 2 days before tossing him through the Veil. As an final 'fuck you' he may or may not have left a giant mess with his waste. But that didn't matter anymore. He had a new start, where he could save people. He could kill Voldemort. He could live with Sirius…. Wait… Sirius fell through the Veil a few years ago… maybe he's in this universe like he was. He'd have to wait to see if Sirius escaped Azkaban or not.

Harry continued to think along these lines till Hagrid finished breakfast. "Harry, can you pass me the Prophet?" Hagrid asked. As he does so he looked at the date and noticed it was July 31st, 2006(a/n this is going to take place in modern times because fuck it, I feel like it). Harry sighs and starts to munch on the sausage Hagrid gave him.

When they finish, Hagrid asks "Since ya passed out las' night, what do you know Harry?"

"Well,I know I'm a wizard, and I know there is a school called Hogwarts. I also know there is a shopping area in London because I read a diary my mother had given my aunt." Harry said. He decided to throw some lies with the truth. This way it's more believable, and he might be able to ditch Hagrid later on. He loved that giant bastard, but he needed to do a few things alone to get started.

"Alright, well if ya knew where ya are going, then I'll help you get to London and I'll let you go on your way. I gotta get a few things in Muggle London before I goto Gringotts anyway." Hagrid said buying everything Harry said with no doubt at all.

Harry took in the sights of the city as he watched Hagrid leave. He walked to the Leaky Caldron and walked in. He was glad he had the sense to "liberate" a baseball hat from a American tourist. He managed to get to Gringotts without any hassle and waited in line thinking of his next move.

"Next," said the Goblin. Harry walked up and put the two keys on the counter. "I'd like to goto these two vaults please." Harry said. The goblin looks a the two keys and just nods. Harry knew they didn't care that he didn't own one of the vaults, they just assumed that since he had the key, he had permission to visit the vault. It wasn't their fault that humans were so stupid.

"Very well, just follow Griphook here and he'll bring you to them." Said the teller. Harry followed Griphook to the carts and jumped in. Literally jumped in. Griphook just shook his head in exasperation and got in as well and started the cart. Harry threw his hands in the air and laughed like the mad man he was. I mean why not?

They first went to Vault 713, where Harry grabs the small package while grinning like a loon. He could feel the power in it and immediately knew what he had. They then went to his personal trust vault. In there Harry asked " is there a way I can carry all of this in one bag? Also, is there a way to get this transferred to Muggle money?"

"Every magical shop has a way to pay using your wand. If you do this, there is a fee charged to your account, but it will automatically pay for you. If you let one of our human workers handle your wand for a few minutes, we can set it all up for you. That is after you get one. Until then, you should carry at least 100G with you till you can set it up." Harry giggled at the double entendre. "As for Muggle money, we can have a debit card connected to your account. No fees up to ten thousand of any one currency. Anything after that will be a flat fee of 10g per ten thousand."

"What if I were to bring in bars of gold, what's the conversation rate for that?" Harry asked thinking of his new toy in his pocket. Griphook grinned knowing full well what he had, and what he was thinking.

"We goblins hate thieves, but because you have that key to that special package, we assume that the original owner gave you that key, no matter if they came to us later saying that it was stolen. Wizards have been known to lie, and if you cannot keep track of your key, it's not our fault you got 'robbed'. Now as for the conversation for that, no more than a Ton of gold every 3 months, and it equates to about 10 million Galleons." Replied Griphook with a savage grin on his face. "We don't want the market to crash, but we don't mind hurting wizards where we can, I can of course help you for a fee."

"Of course, I would love to have the valiant and brave goblin nation on my side. Before I forget, there may or may not be a Horcrux hidden in one of your vaults, and I think my scar is one too. Not sure if you guys can help me with that or not." Harry said casually as Griphook's face turns to anger. Harry grabs a pouch that Griphook gives him and takes out 10,000G.

"While we despise those vile things, we would let a wizard keep one here for a large fee. Since I know for sure that hasn't happened in over 500 years, we will of course find it, and destroy it on top of giving out fines to the witch or wizard who holds the creation in their vault without payment. As for your scar, we can remove it, or let you absorb it and it's knowledge. It is up to you."

Harry thinks and replies "I think I'd want to take the knowledge with me. It'd be nice to be on a somewhat even playing ground."

"Very well, follow me." Griphook says and takes Harry to the goblins version of a hospital. After a long and painful ritual, the horcrux was totally destroyed, and the knowledge absorbed into Harry's mind.

Throughout the magical world, there was a collective shudder. Nobody knew what was going to happen, but they all knew one thing, chaos was coming, brought by a force that should not be, but was. Welp shit….

A/N: I am still in need of a beta. Please let me know if anyone is interested.


	3. Escape and Time

Chapter 3

Deep in an inescapable, depressing, and filthy prison, a skinny, gaunt, and honestly smelly man sits up suddenly. He grins maniacally as a human guard passes by his cell and noticed him. The guard stares at him, shudders, then returns to the only safe room in the dump that is called Azkaban.

'I'm getting to old for this shit' Rick thinks as he opens a bar of Honeydukes Chocolate. He closes his eyes and moans in a almost sexual way enjoying the taste of the rich dark chocolate as it spreads warmth throughout his body. Rick never noticed the slight click as the door nearly silently shut.

A sharp pain erupted from the back of his head and Rick knew no more as he was knocked out.

"It's even easier the second time. And this time, I get my wand!" A raspy voice said. The man grabbed the guards wand and used it to open the box of wands. Over the top of the box was a set of handy instructions on how to open the box of wands. Sirius opened the box and gasped. 'Holy shit!' He cackled with glee! He found his wand, and decided to take the box with him. So he shrunk it down and pocketed it. He made the guard's clothes disappear, and used the marker charm to draw a penis on his chest. One never knew when this would be his last prank. He was very weak from his prison stay, but since he got back, he hadn't encountered a Dementor yet, so he was able to cast his Grimm Patronus. After he did so, he walked back to his cell block and decided to kill every Death Eater in the prison.

After a long and satisfying killing spree he walked to his cousin's cell. When he got there, he noticed that she looked demented and was very shivering. Although, that may have to do with the fact that she didn't have clothes on more than anything else at this second. He decided to Imperio her and then let her out because he could use her and her knowledge on Voldemort. He also wanted a slave that was better(even if marginal) than Kreacher. He wrapped his arm around her and grabbed her tit. He played with her as they walked out of the prison and to freedom.

#####

Harry walked out of Gringotts at around 3 in the afternoon. He swaggered over to Ollivanders wanting to get his wand so he wouldn't need to carry money around with him any longer than he needed to. He walked in and decided to mess with the old man, he pushed a little bit of magic into his vocal chords and shouted "HELLO? IS ANYONE HERE?!"

An old man fell from a ladder to the floor at the sudden noise. Harry pretended to not notice and shouted the same thing again.

The old man got up and glared at Harry. "I know very well you know I am here Mr. Potter. Let's just get you done with."

"Alright, I want that wand" Harry said pointing at his Holly and Phoenix feather wand he knew so well. Ollivander frowned and said "the wand chooses the wizard Mr. Potter, not the other way around."

"I want that one." Harry felt like being a stubborn bastard, but hey, it's not everyday you get to scare and annoy the old wand-maker. Ollivander sighed and grabbed the box and handed Harry the wand.

Sparks flew from the tip, but not nearly as much as they had before. "It feels warm, but cold at the same time" Harry frowns.

"Odd, very odd. It's not often this happens Mr. Potter. It seems the core of your wand agrees with you, but not the wood. It also seems that you need another core. Well, come to the back here, and let's see what we can do."

They go to the back. There are many small boxes arranged on a desk. Half of them contain wood, while the other contain magical cores. All of them were labeled with what was in them. "I want you to take out 5 random wooden blocks, and 5 random cores" Ollivander says.

Harry takes out a slab of Willow wood, Blue Mahoe, Red wood, Yew, and Pine wood. He then took out a Basilisk fang, a Dragons penis, a Unicorn eye, an Eye of a magical Tiger, and a Thunderbird horn.

"Put everything in this ritual circle in whatever order you feel works best, and put the wand in the middle. After that put your hand on this rune here and let me do the rest. Do not speak until it is done." Ollivander said pointing out what he needed to do where. Harry placed everything in the correct spots and placed his hand where he was told to. Ollivander started to chant in Latin and there was a bright flash of red, then white, then blue. When it was over, three woods were missing, and only the Thunderbird horn remained. But in the middle of the circle, there was a new wand. A twisting pattern of red, white, and blue (think American flag colors) twisted around the length of the new wand. It was a foot long and it was a monstrosity. But Harry kind of liked it. He picked it up, and a fountain of sparks flew from the tip and kept going for the next 15 minuets. During which time he paid 50G for the new wand. Ollivander gave him a discount because he didn't like how it turned out, but couldn't do much about it.

Near the end of the 15 minuets, the sparks started to flicker, till eventually it finished. Ollivander just shook his head in exasperation at the behavior of the odd wand. Harry left and immediately went to the bank to set up his wand with his account. When he left, he went to go get robes. He got several sets of Black robes with self fitting charms to allow him to not need to change them for at least a year. He put one on, had the sales lady shrink the rest, and put up his hood. He walked down Knockturn Alley. He projected his magic around him so he won't be bothered and followed Voldemort's memories to a small building that sold odd and borderline illegal things. He walked to the owner and asked in a raspy voice " I herd you can disable the ministry trace from wands."

"Who's asking?" He replied. Harry threw down 5G. "Nobody then. Give it here." He muttered, then cast a spell on it with his own wand then casted a simple lumos charm with Harry's wand to show it had worked. After a few minutes of no owls from the ministry he looked Satisfied he had done it correctly. "That'll be 30G" he said. Harry tossed the money on the counter. "Anything else you need?"

"I need to purchase…. More time…. If you know what I mean…" Harry says. The owner grins. "I think I have what you need. Give me a second."

He walked to the back for a few minutes and returns with two devices. " this one is a Time Turner. It'll go back in time up to a week. You just set this dial up here to days, or hours and turn the amount of time you want to go back. This device will allow you to repeat any day, week, or month. Anything done in this time period can be undone if it's not inside of the time bubble it creates. The bubble can be expanded up to a mile in all directions. This means if someone dies, it will be undone. It is rather a nasty shock though, so be careful. You can add people to its influence so that they can remember what happened before the time loop as well. Just follow this manual and it'll tell you everything you need to know. Now, for the Time Turner I'll accept nothing less than 9,000G. For the time looper it's 10 million Galleons."

"Well, I can only afford the Time Turner at this very second, but give me a minute, and I can get you the rest." Harry gave him the money for the Time Turner. Turned back the day, apparited to a lead mine that Voldemort knew about. He collected a Ton of the stuff, shrunk it down, turned it to gold by using his new Philosopher Stone by touching it to the gold. He then went to Gringotts and got it converted to wizard money. He set up a new account under a fake name where he put his newfound wealth in, attached his wand to that account and went to the shop. He waited till his past self left and he then walked in.

"Welcome back. I take it it worked to your satisfaction?" The owner said. "Perfectly, now I've got the funds, let me pay for the looper." Harry replied as he paid for the device.

"Some words of warning, make sure you set up the looper properly and you really should read the manual before you use it." The shop keeper said.

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Do you happen to have a book on exotic animals, and how to breed them?" Harry asks. The owner pulls out a big book, "500G." Harry payed for it and walked out. He then went back to The Dursleys.

He noticed they went back yet, so he turned back time for the second time that day and fell asleep setting his alarm for when he left Gringotts the second time. He wanted to have an alibi in case anyone suspected him.

When he woke up, he hid his new stone, and time looper underneath his bead under the loose floor board. He kept the time turner tucked in his shirt and cast a glamour on it to make it seem like a normal chain and not a stupidly complex, powerful, and dangerous feat of magical ingenious. He looked in his book and saw what he needed for the kind of pet he wanted to make, and hid that as well. He then cast a modified Fidelius Charm on the hiding spot and hid the secret in himself. He also cast an undetectable expansion charm and an auto-retriever charm on the hole. This way he could store a lot of items in it, and call them at will so he wouldn't need to dig through it.

Harry then made his way back to Diagon Alley and made his way to one of several pet shops in the alley. It wasn't as popular as others, but it'd serve his purpose. He went immediately to the toad section of the shop and saw a magical golden poison frog. He asked the shopkeeper for it explaining that his aunt needed it for a potion and was experimenting with it to hopefully find a cure to its poison. The shopkeeper charged him 5G for it and gave him a free pair of dragon hide gloves designed specifically for the frog and put it in a glass cage so it couldn't escape or poison anyone. Harry also got supplies for the thing and also picked up a chicken egg that would hatch in a day or two. He walked out, and went to the trunk shop where he got an expensive trunk that had 15 massive rooms, each the size of an American Football Field, or so he had been told. He made his way to the Dursleys and froze the toad, put the egg under it, and stuck the toad to it. It wouldn't be able to move away until his pet hatched.

He noticed that there was a ritual to force the hatchling to obey and be loyal to him, and his bloodline and anyone he deems family. It'd require his blood, a ritual circle, and some of the venom when it hatched. He then read the time looper manual so he'd know everything about it. He preformed all of the necessary thinks it recommended , including tying his life force to it so if he died, it'd automatically reset so he'd be fine. He also made it to where only he and his bloodline would be able to operate it unless he added someone else. He fell asleep that night to dreams of a bad ass snake and him able to manipulate time at will.

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A/N: alright, the end of another chapter, and thank you for everyone who decided to stick with this. I hope y'all are able to understand my flow, let me know if not. It is my first time trying this kind of thing. I still need a Beta, let me know if you are experienced with being a Beta and want to Beta this story. Until then, sorry for the grammatical mistakes. I'm terrible with English, and I grew up with the damn language. If you see something till I have a Beta, let me know and I'll fix it.

Bellatrix is going to be a slave to Sirius and Harry. It'll get dark so sit down, and don't get on your high horse because I don't care if you like it or not.

See y'all next update!


	4. Hatching and Killing

Chapter 4

Harry woke up to a cracking noise, and looked over at his caged toad and saw his baby was hatching. 'Yes!' He cast a warming charm on the cage and waited for his new Basilisk to hatch. When it hatched it blew apart the egg and struck the toad killing it and eating it. This did two things, it fed the snake, and also increased the potency of its natural venom by a factor of 1000. Basically, the boost to its venom would be multiplied by 1000 every year its alive. When it was done eating it's third parent, it fell asleep, so Harry vanished the cage, levitated it to the ritual circle he had made earlier, and used a spell to drain its venom into a vial, and put his own blood in another vial and preformed the ritual. With a flash of light, he knew it had worked. This snake was his forever, it had a side effect of making sure any future kids his family had would be able to speak Parselmouth. He didn't mind because it's useful for more than just speaking to snakes. It also made him immune to his Basilisks gaze and its venom. Effectively making him and his bloodline immune to all poisons too.

Harry made his way to the shower caring his still sleeping snake with him and set it on the counter as he took a hot shower. Halfway through the snake slithered into the shower with him enjoying the heat. $Hello little one$ Harry said, $do you like your new home?$

The snake looked at him and said $master? You're the one who made me?$ Harry chuckled his reply with $ I am, I also did a ritual so you could not harm me nor any hatchlings I may have. I hope your don't mind?$

$no master, may I know of your name?$ $My name is Harry James Potter.$ Harry said. He spent a while conversing with the hatchling finding it was a girl, so he named her Jessica or Jess for short. He went to the Kitchen and got himself some food, and let Jess hunt around the house because she was still hungry despite having a toad earlier. The book said that baby Basilisks needed to eat several times a day for the first month. After that, they could go to once a day for food. After a year, it would be bumped to a week, and so on and so on. He then opened the window letting an owl in with the Daily Prophet in hand. He had taken an subscription the day before and had paid for a year of newspapers so he wouldn't have to carry change with him. He opened the appear and saw the opening headline.

 _Sirius Black and Bellatrix Lestrange does the impossible and escapes Azkaban! Almost all of the Death Eaters that were in Azkaban are dead._

Harry read the article and grinned. Apparently Sirius had gone back in time with him after all! Fantastic! He needed to find him, and hook his life essence to the time looper so if he were to die, he'd be ok. 'Hmmmm, maybe he's back at Grimmauld Place. I'll try there first.' He realized that Bellatrix also escaped. 'I'll need to kill that bitch' He thought darkly.

'I need to find out if this time looper immortal field works or not.' He thought. "Accio Rat" Harry cased and caught one as it flew to his outstretched hand. He then took some blood and added it to the device. He cast the cutting curse at the Rat and it died. A few seconds later it was alive again.

"Excellent". He said out loud and took the Rat off of the device and killed it again. This time it stayed dead.

Jess had chosen to come back from her hunt at that moment and slithered up her masters leg and onto his shoulders. $Good, your back, we need to make a stop before we do anything. I need you to hide inside of my robe. It should be warm and you'll be fine.$ Harry said.

$Very well$ Jess said.

$We are about to visit someone very important to me. Please don't kill him, at least not yet.$ Harry asked. $why do you not want me to kill him now, but later? Isn't that inefficient?$ Jess asked in obvious confusion. Harry explained the time looper and it's special property of making sure people who are tied to it won't die. He explained he'd add her to it, but would not add her to the forever young field of the device. He wanted her to grow up as fast as possible, because the older she was, the deadlier she would be. She seemed to like the response and agreed it would be the best thing for her.

They then Apparated to Grimmauld Place and walked into Number 12. Harry walked into the kitchen and saw his godfather passed out drunk on the table naked. He noticed a woman naked as well. He walked to her and saw it was Bellatrix. He promptly stunned her twice and tied her up with a modified rope spell that used Steel cable instead of ropes. Harry decided to have a little fun with Situs and turned his skin green, his hair silver, gave him breasts, and charmed his hair to stick to the table so when he tried to get up, it'd pull his hair. He then cast a freezing cold water spell at him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH Ouch!" Sirius screamed from the suddenness of being woken up by cold water, then the yanking of his hair. Harry fell to the ground laughing. " what the actual bloody fuck?" He looked over and saw a familiar face, if a little younger. "Harry? What are you doing here? Why do I have these and why aren't they bigger? Why am I green and my hair stuck to the table?" Sirius asked in rapid succession while pouting. "Shouldn't you not know who I am yet? Also, shut up!"

Harry got control over himself still grinning and stood up, "that's for not taking Bellatrix seriously and falling through that fucking Veil." Harry said. Sirius looked guilty, then realized what Harry said. "Wait, you know about that? How…?" He asked then realized what it meant. "DID YOU FOLLOW ME THROUGH THAT ARCH?! OUCH MY FUCKING HAIR!" Sirius yelled in pain and anger. Harry sniggered " no I got executed a few years later. Voldemort has taken over and eventually captured me, and gave me a fake trial sentencing me to death via the Veil. I woke up in my 11 year old body when Hagrid had come to get me." Harry spent the next few hours catching up with his godfather telling him everything he had done since he last saw him.

"Fucking hell Harry. You've been busy. Well, let's hook me up to this device of yours then." Sirius said with admiration and pride in his eyes.

"Alright, but why break out Bellatrix? Are we going to kill he?" He asked.

"Nah, I'm going to use her as a slave then sacrifice her in a ritual that's probably illegal, but eh, who cares?" Sirius replied.

"Sounds fun. We should look up what's the most beneficial for us to use her for. Anyway let's hook you to the time looper." Harry said thoughtfully

Harry added Sirius to the looper by pricking his finger and adding some blood to the collection plate at the top of the device. He decided to have some fun and see if it worked. So he then asked Jess to kill him. So she bit him on the leg. Sirius died in extreme pain and horror. It lasted less than a minute, but once he died, time froze all around him. It was interesting to see the boos from the bite wound stop. Then it started to rewind and a couple seconds and Sirius was back.

"What the hell harry, my fucking head is killing me now" Sirius groaned with much pain in his voice. " I wanted to see it work. And for you to meet Jess." Harry said with cheek. $ Say hi Jess.$ he added to his snake. Jess simply waved her tail at Sirius. He waved back in a daze. "Well at least we know it works. We need to get you better so you can train me in the ways of pranks and woman pleasure. Oh, and some other lesser important stuff. Dueling and such come to mind." Harry said and handed over the Time Looper to Sirius. "Use this until you've recovered. Here is some money for both the Muggle and magical world. Get some clothes, a wand, some potions, and anything else you need." Harry said casting a glamour and transfiguring his clothes so he could go out without being recognized by anyone. "It'll only last for a day, so get going. I need to get back home and great the fat asses and the giraffe, and let them know who is the boss around there now. But use the Time Looper for as long as you need to. Repeat this day several weeks if need be and just recover. I'll be back tomorrow, so I expect you to look and be better. Until then, good bye." Harry said hugging his godfather goodbye. He and Jess returned to the Dursley's house about 5 minuets before they returned from their little trip. Time for the fun to begin!

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A/N: Hey y'all. I'm starting classes tomorrow, so I won't be able to work on this that much. Gotta love life. I'll try to upload new chapters ASAP, but can't make any promises. I am still looking for a Beta. Is anyone willing to Beta for me? Message me if your interested.

Normally I hate it when an writer addresses comments, but I got a few that have ticked me off, so I'm going to put a stop to them now. Ah-hem: this is not your story. I have a plan for it. Don't like it, fuck off. Don't like my pace? Fuck off. And if you don't have the balls to put your username down when you review a story, you can really fuck off. I don't see you posting a story.

I know now that this is a minority of y'all, but I've gotten a couple reviews and PM's criticizing my work. I wanna nip this in the bud now while I can. This is my first fic, and my first story. I suck as a writer, and with the English language. I still try my best.

Hope yall have had had a good new year.


	5. Sirius messes with the Dursleys

Chapter 5

Many months inside of just a couple days later, an extremely healthy Sirius Black made his way to Harry's relatives house. He transformed into his Grimm form, and walked around the neighborhood just looking at all of the places Harry grew up in. Sure, he had seen it before, but that was at night. This is obviously different. He came across a fat kid walking with a skinny rat faced kid. They were talking about something he didn't quite care about, but they stopped when they saw him.

"Dude, look at that massive dog, man, I wish my parents would let me get a dog like that!" Rat face said.

"I bet I could convince my parents to let me keep it. Would you like that boy?" Fat ass said while he started to pet Sirius's head. Sirius just laid down and gave a goofy grin. "I'll take that as a yes then." Fat ass chuckled. "Hmmmm, what should we call him? He doesn't have any tags on him…"

"How about Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All?" Rat face said. Sirius barked and licked his face. "Alrighty then, Stormageddon it is." Fat ass said chuckling.

"I gotta go man, mum will kill me if I'm out late again." Rat face said. "Alright, I'll see ya tomorrow mate!" Fat ass said. "Come on Stormy, let's get home."

'Eh, what the hell. At least I'll be able to get free food before I start to look for Harry' Sirius thought as he followed Fat ass to his house.

As they walked into the house, Stormageddon rushes in and notices a familiar sent and follows it upstairs ignoring an ugly ass woman screaming as fat ass tries to calm her down. He finds a room where the sent disappears into, and noses the door open and is surprised to find its his godsons room.

'Excellent' he thinks as he jumps onto the bed in an attempt to startle Harry awake, only to die again to that stupid snake! AGAIN! Once time is restored, he changes to himself as Harry laughs at him.

" Gotta be a little more quiet and alert to beat my little baby here," Harry grins, " Your looking better, how long were you in the Time Loop?"

"I spent a good year or so in that thing, I lost track after 150 days though." Sirius replies. " gotta say, having that time loop has been amazing for my sex life. I have had sooooo much in the course of 3 days, its not even funny. It's really good too because none of them ever remember me, or can get pregnant because time resets."

"Well, I am glad you had fun. How's Bella?" Harry asks.

"A freak in the sheets." Sirius replies with a shit eating grin on his face. Harry promptly breaks his nose and says, "Not what I meant you incestuous prick. Is she ready for the Ritual?"

"Oh, yeah, I guess so. Ive spent the last 4 months carving the runes into her body, so we should be fine." He said in defeat. "Excellent, I need to add a few more people to the Time Looper and we should be ready to begin training." Harry said with happiness. "Lets freak out my aunt before we go. Can you do a partial transformation, enough to look like Moony?"

"Hmmm, I suppose I could." Sirius answers and does a passable transformation.

"Awesome, lets go!" Harry said as he walks out with Sirius follows him. They get halfway down the stairs before his aunt and cousin notices them. His Aunt screams then passes out, while Dudley stares in horror at the thing that Harry 'obviously' did to his new dog. As they are about to leave, Sirius changes back to his dog form and Harry apparates them both to Grimmauld Place.

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A/N: hey guys, sorry for the long update and short chapter. I just moved to a new state for College, and started it. So I'm stressed about that. For the next few months at least updates will be sporadic at best. I refuse to abandon this story as I despise it when writers do so. I am also trying to get a Beta still, so grammatical errors are mine and mine alone. So I apologize. Soon, they will be fixed. To my reviewers, I'm not sure if Harry will find love, or just sleep around. We will see. Thank you for the support y'all have given me.

Sltems, I'm glad you like my attitude of fuck you if you don't like it. I like it too.

Alright, that's all I have for now. See y'all as soon as I can!


	6. Chapter I forgot Oh well

Chapter… I forgot. Oh well

"I always forget how shitty this place is, and then I come back". Sirius says glancing around the house. "eh, oh well. We got a new slave to clean up for us."

"We should go visit America". Harry says while looking thoughtful. "I need my guns". "What's a gun?" Asks the pureblooded convict with a healthy amount of fear in his eyes.

"Don't worry about it," Harry replies, "We just need to go to Texas, where guns are practically lining the streets."

"Alright!" Sirius says thinking that if it lined the streets, it was probably a good thing. Harry casts the spell for a international portkey to Austin, Texas and they whooshed away.

* * *

When they land 10 minutes later, Sirius falls over and promptly tosses his guts all over a sleeping homeless drunk man. "What the actual fuck man?! How drunk are you?" Asks the homeless guy. Harry apologizes and hands the guy a couple thousand Pound notes. "The fuck am I going to do with these? They ain't even 'Murican." Says the guy as he walks away trying to get away from the sick not American people.

"Ah, oh well. Come along Watson, we have guns to buy, ammo to raid, and a couple thousands of pounds of C4 to get." Harry says as he walks away from an obviously sick Sirius. They make their way to muggle bank and exchange their money for the proper cash and get a cab to a nice hotel just outside of the city. While Harry is trying to chat up the cute Asian running the counter, Sirius showers off the sick and puts on some new clothes. When he gets out he finds Harry getting the lady's number and is walking away.

"Hah! Totally got a date for this Saturday night!" Harry exclaims triumphantly. "Now, we need to go and visit a store and get some tech. The computers aren't great, but they will do for now."

They eventually make their way to a store called Best Buy and meet with an employee who sells them a couple top of the line desktops (no Macs. Gross), and even overhears them talking about getting a gun. He points out that there will be a gun show over the weekend, and even offers to help them go to it, simply because he was going himself. They agree and get his number as well and make their way back to the hotel where Harry spends the next couple days teaching Sirius how to use a computer, and immediately regretted it. He knew he should have never shown Sirius 4chan, but he didn't realize how badly he screwed up until he was shown 2 Girls, 1 Cup. He had made an effort to avoid that trend in the last timeline, but apparently couldn't get away from it this time. On the other hand, some idiot decided to sell 50,000 coins on eBay for $50. Heh, moron. He also decided to invest heavily into Apple and Amazon and a few other companies he knew were going to do very well in the next decade or so. He also decided to keep an eye out for Apple's announcement about their first iPhone. Man, he missed the good old days when he could pull out his phone and had access to everything. Oh well, it will just be a few more months until the iPhone came out. He may prefer Samsung, but he would settle for now.

* * *

Saturday morning comes around and they meet up with Jimmy, the store employee who helped them earlier.

"So, Jimmy, how old are you kid?" Sirius asks as he gets into the massive F-150 Jimmy is driving. "I'm only 23, but ill be 24 in about a week." He replies driving like a maniac down the Texas highways. "Why all ya'll interested in guns. Ain't you Brits against dem good ol' thunder-rods?"

"Nah, we just moved here and wanted to participate in a good old American tradition of getting a gun when we get the chance." Harry replies, a little green in the face as he hold onto the door and his seatbelt while Jimmy cuts off an soccer mom flipping her the finger while she flips him off back. "Well shoot, at least ya'll didn't go to Walmart, their guns ain't worth shit." Jimmy says to a slightly shocked Sirius. "Wait, you mean that you can just go to the grocery store and get a gun?! What's the point? And slow the fuck down!"

"Shoot, we only going 90" Jimmy says deciding to increase the speed, rather than decrease it. After the longest and shortest drive of their lives, and a couple years knocked off their lives, they finally arrived at their location and they park next to no less than 10 massive trucks. "Bloody fucking buggering hell" Sirius whispers to Harry. Harry only nods in a reply as they walk into the building and move into the long line waiting to gain entrance, as well as calm down their racing hearts. In their minds, the internet was a lot less scary than Texan drivers.

* * *

A/N: Surprise, I ain't dead! Sorry it took so long to update guys, school is a terrible thing when it decides to mess with your free time. Anyway, I am hoping that I will be able to update somewhat more frequently. Any mistakes are still mine, and yes, that driving scene actually happened to me. I may or may not have been the driver driving friends of mine from out of the country… Also, what Harry hasn't realized yet is that most people in Texas carry a gun on them. Even when they drive. hehehehehehe


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